my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
