What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
