I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
