is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
