i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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