I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
