So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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