"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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