Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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