and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
