My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
