You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
its liver damage thursday
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
