I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
