Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
