I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
