I will die if light touches me.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
