An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
