I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
