You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
