I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
whose parrot is this?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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