My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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