im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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