these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
