allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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