he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
