Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
