Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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