Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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