Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
