I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
