I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
