did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
