just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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