i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
