wanna go halves on a baby?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I am naked and annoyed.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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