You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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