My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
