You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
