turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
