that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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