I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
