i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
