So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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