WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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