mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
this boner is exhausting
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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