i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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