Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
