Already got asked if we're dating
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
