It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
