until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
At least life still wants to fuck me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
