So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
