his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
